Economist Writing Every Day

Ever since becoming aware of the terrible news about “grooming gangs” in the UK, I’ve been wanting to write something about why men succeed in manipulating women. Having a moment to read fiction during my break from classes, I have picked up Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina. Now that I’m past the turning point in the book where Anna and her lover Vronsky have to think about a new life outside the care of Anna’s husband, it’s clear that Anna fell for a person who will struggle to take care of her and any children. How does it work?   

Most women are unprepared concerning how desperate they are for what I’ll call love. Many women receive very little attention. More than 40% of adult women in the US are single. We have statistics on marital status, but profound loneliness can also occur within an official relationship.

Articles about the UK grooming gangs often emphasize the disadvantaged economic backgrounds of the victims. That does matter, and it did make them more vulnerable to manipulation. Vulnerability within most people everywhere is underexplored.

Anna Karenina is married, privileged, admired in society, yet she feels lonely. When Vronsky shows her focused attention she falls hard, even though she knows there could be consequences. Tolstoy shows how powerful validation can be to almost any woman, not just those who might seem the most vulnerable.

Vronsky is charming and attractive on the surface, but ultimately self-centered. He ruins Anna’s life and deprives her children of a mother. Why did he succeed in the first place?

If Anna is beautiful, some would assume that she would not be lonely. There are theories going around about the advantages of being beautiful (lookism). Even Jennifer Garner and Jennifer Aniston get cheated on. Most women are not experiencing something that feels like love to them.

In the case of the grooming gangs, folks with an understanding of emotional deprivation hacked the system for evil. None of this diminishes the responsibility of perpetrators or the reality of coercion. Because the initial phase feels so validating, grooming victims often blame themselves later. We might do better by bringing the system out into the open.

Systems can be used for good by those who understands them. Especially young people with a better understanding of the system can have a better chance of making it work in their favor.

It’s a weird conversation to have with youths (easier to assign Anna Karenina in high schools, but kids are losing the ability to read a novel). Could we educate them with something like: “You have a desire to be loved that may never get fulfilled. That does not make you special. It’s the most unoriginal thing about you. Try to make the system work for you and not get tricked.”

The red flag for Vronsky should have been his lack of family and lack of care for his community (he does not pay his tailor). The classic advice for young women to observe how a prospective boyfriend treats his mother is still very good.

Tolstoy does not give specific advice about what people should do. A superficial reading of the story would be that Anna Karenina is about duty and sin and the wages of sin. But throughout, it is a meditation on happiness. The second word of the novel is “happy,” as in “All happy families…”

In the first line of the novel, Tolstoy situates happiness within a family, not as something experienced by individuals. The characters, Levin and Kitty, who seem happiest at the end, find each other and work toward something greater than themselves.

Some recent evidence on female loneliness comes from a weird obscure blog. “Anachronism guy” has written: The Harem of an Autist

My link to his posts do not constitute relationship advice! I am not suggesting you follow his path. It’s interesting to see that his approach works as often as it does.

Very few men are really trying to get women. There are so many women on the planet. By investing about two hours a day into a combination of taking care of yourself and meeting the desires of the women around you, most men can achieve similar outcomes to “the Autist.”

“A curious thing I noticed was that many of the women I dated weren’t actually seeing other guys on the side. …some (even really cute girls) seemed to have trouble finding even someone …”

He explains that, “I hurt people who didn’t deserve it—made promises I didn’t keep, acted in ways that I’m not proud of. Sometimes other people had to pay the price of my learning curve.”

Still, he was wildly successful because other men are not trying. Most women have no one after them. Even if a girl is in an official relationship, it’s probably crap. Guys who are actually trying have almost no competition.

What does it mean to put in effort, to “the Autist”?

“Getting your heart stomped when someone doesn’t reciprocate your feelings is a special kind of hell, but it turned out to be a necessary step.”  Someone who is in the game faces rejection.

His follow up is How to be good at dating

“You need to actually commit to the process…” Many people don’t make this a priority.  

He’s hitting the gym. “Physical fitness is the highest ROI investment in your dating life… “ 

“You are in charge of planning the date; you wouldn’t believe how many men out there don’t have the mental capacity to pick a bar.”

Disclaimer:

Nothing in this post is intended to downplay the horrific nature of the UK grooming gang scandals or to shift any blame onto the victims. These were organized, predatory crimes committed by networks of adult men who deliberately targeted vulnerable children, many from care homes with histories of abuse, and subjected them to systematic coercion and violence.

Could a few of the women who end up getting hurt in the machine of society have been saved by reading Anna Karenina?

My ultimate arrival at discussing men who don’t pick good bars for consensual dates is intended to highlight the prevalence of loneliness. Perhaps that is simply where we will stay, since everyone has a bright screen to distract them from the fact. We talk a lot on this blog about how we have unprecedented wealth. It’s interesting to see what humans are not doing with all that power.

Last disclaimer against taking the “autist” advice is that many people are married with children by the age he started his shenanigans. “All happy families…” etc.