Economist Writing Every Day

Today I will write about something I care deeply about: the wellbeing of the moms of young children.

I can remember having a child enrolled in preschool. It was expensive but it was worth it, for us. What follows will be most relevant to readers who are working full-time and have children enrolled in full-time daycare/preschool. That is not the right choice for every family. If it’s the choice you made, then read on.

Do less for preschool. Save your energy and money for the years when your child will actually remember.

I remember getting handed a calendar of dress up days by the preschool director. The entire week, sometimes, there was a different assignment for each day. Wednesday is crazy sock day. Thursday is hat day. Etc.

As someone who was already trying to juggle what felt like two jobs, this was frustrating. You can either divert very scarce resources of your time and attention to this new assignment, or you can fail. You’ll fail every. day. this. week. because of not having any neon clothes that are size 3T for 80’s day and because your child pitches a fit when you try to put them in a hat, etc. 

If you are a mother of a three-year-old and you find yourself reading a calendar that says your child is supposed to wear red on Monday, green on Tuesday… and you are not delighted by the prospect of doing it, then I want you to put it in the trash before you even learn what color Wednesday is. If anyone asks you about it at the school, please tell them that Joy Buchanan is a doctor (true) and she wrote an article (this) claiming that you should not know what color is Wednesday.

Just fail, people. Don’t even put “crazy sock day” on your work Outlook calendar and then forget to do it at 7am because you didn’t open your laptop before preschool drop-off. Sometimes I did sock day and sometimes I didn’t. The utter irrelevance of all those preschool events is my point. I could have attended the “Family BBQ at 4pm” or I could have skipped it. Since the kids had to switch schools to start kindergarten, we will not see most of those people again.  

I will now make some caveats:

a. Young children need lots of care and attention. I invested heavily in my children prior to kindergarten. My point is that putting them in crazy socks on Crazy Sock Day is not important. There was at least one year that I sent nothing with my 4-year-old on Valentines’ Day, knowing that other parents had made personalized gift packages to exchange at the “party.” Those gift packages are now dumped plastic – a scourge on the oceans. My kids do not remember the Valentine’s party from when they are 4, so it just doesn’t matter either way. There are things that matter that your child won’t remember. As an example, I spent a lot of time reading to my kids knowing that they would not remember it.

b. Preschool could be a place for you to find lifelong friends. Know what your goals are. Are you trying to meet a family that you can hang out with on the weekends? If so, then go to that 4pm Family BBQ with a plan. Get a phone number. This is like dating. Determine quickly if people are serious enough to have a kid playdate on the weekend. Most (almost all) of these are people you will never see again because you’ll all get busy with a new school once kindergarten starts. In my case, there is one family that I met through preschool. We continue to see them, and I’m glad the preschool events provided a venue to meet them.

c. If you love dress-up days and were just hoping to get permission to show your creative side, then by all means do dress-up-like-a-banana day. If you actually want to do it, then do it. Take pictures. Your child might refuse to wear a banana suit when they are 8, so this might be your big chance to see them in one.

d. My attitude toward these things in elementary school is the opposite. I do everything we are asked to do in kindergarten because that is the beginning of real life. My advice on doing less is only for preschool. Save your energy and money for things that matter.

e. Every preschool is different. My advice might not be good for everyone. If you determine that your child will be harmed by not dressing up like a superhero on hero day (when they are 3), then do what you think is best for your child. (And I would say to try to leave that place, but we all know this was the only school that would take you because full daycares do not raise prices.)

f. Some families put very young children in “activities” such as soccer before they turn 5. In my opinion, this stuff should be minimal, because 4-year-olds cannot play soccer. What you will have is parents in various stages of volunteering who are doing an elaborate ritual that the children are part of. Rituals are fun, if you have time. If it gets kids off the TV, then maybe it’s great. Additionally, see point (b). If you do not already have a strong parent social network, then 4yo soccer could be a chance to make family friends. This will not just happen by accident. You have to get a phone number and follow up. Know why you are there. Save your money for 6-year-old soccer, unless you have a good reason for doing the 4yo “soccer” ritual. Don’t just do 4yo soccer because you feel like it’s a vague assignment imposed on your family from the outside, like Crazy Sock Day.

g. Long-time readers might ask, “Joy, what if you had What Women Want? Then would you do crazy sock day?” Of course I would. Having your kids in crazy socks for Crazy Sock Day is a normal good. I just can’t afford it and you probably can’t either. Get some sleep. Hold your infant.

h. Long-time readers might wonder if I think artificial intelligence will solve the problem someday. You could have the preschool communicate directly to your AI assistant that would directly order the crazy socks and spit them out on the correct morning. There is a lot of potential here. Thanks to globalization, it’s not the monetary cost of the crazy socks that is the limiting factor. Environmentalists would prefer no Crazy Sock Day at all, and I am on their side.

The paperwork can be insane, once you do have a match. Please have my child's doctor's AI talk to the summer camp's AI.

— Joy Buchanan (@aboutJoy) March 15, 2023

i. Oh no. If AI lifts the constraint of time, then what we are going to get is more crazy sock days. To stay ahead in the status competition, families will have to do Bluey-Crazy Sock Day every week. The ocean will become a thick soup of polyester Bluey-crazy-socks, size 3T, worn only once. We are doomed unless everyone starts doing less for preschool.

j. Relatedly, new working paper: “Childcare Regulation and the Fertility Gap” “Do less” is the common theme between their paper and my post. More accurately, I see it as trading off some things for other things. Demand curves slope down. People will have more children if it costs less. (See also: “Car Seats as Contraception“) I can’t do much, today, about the regulatory burden of raising children, but I can encourage you to disappoint everyone except the cops.

I cannot keep track of all the different days!!

— Jessica H. Brown (@JHB_econ) September 28, 2022

Just this past week I was talking with elementary school moms about the burden of dress up days. We’ll call my friend Anne… Anne said, “It’s terrible over at [School B]. They have a dress up day every week.” (We all shook our heads in unison. It’s sad for them.) Anne continued, “You know, one of the preschool teachers at [Preschool C] told me she stood up in a meeting once and said it was too much. She got voted down.” That’s a glimpse into The Room Where it Happens. Imagine the bravery of a teacher facing the Director and saying that she doesn’t want to ask the parents to dress up for Reindeer Day.