What if they’re listening?

It’s spooky season and I just received perhaps the spookiest of student emails. We all know that students never read the syllabus, only want to know what’s on the exam, and can’t be bothered to pay attention. But, and hear me out…what if they are listening?

I got this email yesterday. It might be my favorite student email ever, even if it is direct evidence that my stream of consciousness while lecturing, from the students’ perspectives, must border on surreal at times. I don’t know that much of it is actually funny, but it’s interesting to see what actually sticks in a student’s mind. Notes in curly brackets { } are edits and additions from me, with a few small redactions to ensure the anonymity of the student:

From: {NAME REDACTED}

Halloween is the time to celebrate the spooky things in life, and what is scarier than being perceived? I have taken it upon myself to write down some of the silly things you say in class throughout the month of October to celebrate the scariest time of the year. I have compiled them all here and I think you should be proud of your wit. I think they are funnier without context, so in the spirit of politics, I will be leaving it out.

“I’m just a decomposing corpse here on stage.”

“The good thing about a recession is it’s not a vibes-based measure.”

“[Imagine] You’re wearing a suit, mens or pant….”

“We’re not making assumptions about shapes… yet.”

“Can you imagine the ad campaigns for the eight year old vote?!”

“[In reference to Jesse Ventura, one might even imagine little hearts scribbled in the margins] He’s perfect” {Note: This was not said in admiration of his politics, but rather his existence as Jesse Ventura}

“{Irrelevant 3rd party candidate} is the antichrist, that’s all I know. They kicked my dog and I want to throw them into the 4th layer of hell.”

(with the most deadpan tone and expression) “Yippee, we’re fine, we’re free, we’re great.”

“There’s crooks, and then there’s crooks”

“What I’m saying is, we’re all becoming monsters.” (very on theme to be honest)

“I cannot tell the difference between parody and reality.” (uh oh)

“White gets 1, grey gets 0, and professor Makowsky goes into a quiet rage.”

“Get an amish pretzel with amish butter on it, ya know. Love yourself.”

“Stay away from the swamps, there’s luggage there that wants to eat you.”