Mouse Wars: Amazon Mousetrap Reviews as Literature

I have looked at various mouse traps on Amazon. The reviews there are a tremendous source of information. Folks get passionate about their battles with the little rodents who invade and foul their homes. Some reviews soar to literary heights. Here is a user who pours out his despair over being bested by a mouse:

Earthlings Beware!!!! The Toughest Mouse in the World Still Lives: You Could Be NEXT!!!!!!!

Reviewed in the United States on June 30, 2020

These traps were incredibly easy to used and bait. However, I bought these traps To prevent my pets or children from getting injured and to spare my wife from picking up the dead mouse if I wasn’t home. In theory it was the perfect conceptualized mouse trap for a busy house. When this trap arrived I was ready to declare war on the invaders. I put on my camo gear, covered my face with camo paint took some peanut butter out of the cabinet and baited this rodent killing machine. I turned the switch to “set” and tucked it in a spot where I saw mouse droppings. Then I shut off all the lights, Turned on my night vision goggles and waited. Nothing happened, that fury bastard beat me, but I was determined to win the war. I repeated the process the second night only this time I used popcorn to make a trail to the plastic rodent guillotine. I set the trap and went to bed. By dawn I woke up like a child on Christmas, went running down the stairs and to the trap. Boom! The indicator on the side said mouse caught! The pride of winning this battle washed over me. I had defended my castle against an fierce enemy . But wait, why is the trap so light? Surely if a dead mouse was in here I would have been able to feel the weight difference of such a light and sleekly designed trap. I rotated the device in my hand to peer inside of the killing machine. There I stood, with all the pride draining from my short lived victory. The mouse had indeed been attracted to the trap, it followed the popcorn trail of happiness right inside of the devil’s mouth to feast on the peanut butter buffet set up inside. Once inside it tripped the killing mechanism as designed. But this mouse in my house was no ordinary mouse. He must have been a ninja mouse because he dodged the killing instrument likely with a three quarter lateral spin and landed on one hand. He proceeded to eat the peanut butter, then chew his way out of the trap to warn the other ninja mice. I was beaten, defeated by a mouse. I packed up my family and our belongings and moved to new house leaving our old house to the victor. At my new house though, we adopted 70 cats, and although we smell like a mixture of broken dreams and cat urine we never heard from the ninja warrior mouse or his friends again.

 Tomcat Kill & Contain Mouse Trap, 2 Traps  , review by “Brain“

Here is gangsta-style epic, ending in a bitter-sweet victory:

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